Coercive control is a devastating form of domestic abuse, primarily psychological in nature. It is used to harm, punish or frighten a victim, gradually stripping them of their independence and sense of self. Below, we explore what coercive control really means, how it can impact families, and where to turn if you need help.

Understanding Coercive Control

What is Coercive Control?

Women’s Aid (2020) defines coercive control as “an act or a pattern of acts, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish or frighten their victim.”
The Home Office (2013) describes coercive control as a “purposeful pattern of behaviour which takes place over time in order for one individual to exert power, control or coercion over another.”

In essence, coercive control is a deliberate campaign of threats, manipulation and intimidation, with the perpetrator seeking to isolate their victim from support networks and enforce complete dependence. It can run alongside physical violence but more often manifests in subtle, psychological ways—making it less visible to the outside world or even to the victim themselves.

Coercive Control and Its Impact on Children

What if My Children Are Being Coercively Controlled by My Ex?

If you suspect your children are experiencing coercive control from your ex-partner, the top priority is ensuring they are safe. Forcing a child to spend time in an abusive or threatening environment poses significant risk.

1. Safety First: If a child feels unsafe in any way, they should not interact with the abusive parent.
2. Parallel Parenting: When regular co-parenting is impossible due to abuse, parallel parenting may be an option. This method reduces direct contact between parents; each parent raises the child in their own way during their allotted time, as typically agreed under a child arrangements order.
3. Avoid Negative Talk: It’s important not to speak badly of your ex-partner in front of the children. Instead, model positive values, empathy and kindness in your own home. This helps the child differentiate behaviours they see in each household.
4. Seek External Support: If you are concerned about your child’s wellbeing, Action for Children and the NSPCC (Helpline: 0808 800 5000) can offer confidential support and advice.

Post-Separation Abuse and Coercive Control

Post-Separation Abuse Explained

Sadly, abuse can continue or even intensify after the relationship has ended—this is known as post-separation abuse. It can include:

• Misuse of court processes: Lying in court or repeatedly bringing you to court over small disputes.
• Child Arrangement Manipulation: Using children as a tool to maintain control, for example, by denying you contact.
• Financial Abuse: Restricting or jeopardising your access to finances, or refusing to comply with financial settlements.
• Gaslighting: Making you doubt your own memory or sanity, and questioning your version of events.

It’s vital to recognise these behaviours as a continuation of the same domestic abuse pattern, just in a new form.

Key Signs of Coercive Control and How to Seek Help

Below, we outline important indicators that may point to coercive control, clarify when coercive control is a criminal offence, and suggest ways you might address it. If you suspect you or someone close to you is at risk, remember there is professional support available.

Key Signs of Coercive Control

1. Isolation from family and friends
2. Deprivation of basic needs (e.g., food or medication)
3. Monitoring of time and activities, sometimes through technology-facilitated abuse
4. Restrictions on everyday life, including where you can go or even when you can sleep
5. Limited access to support services such as medical treatment
6. Repeated degradation, name-calling, and humiliation
7. Financial control over your money and spending
8. Threats and intimidation (verbal or physical)
9. Monitoring communication with friends or family
10. Feeling like you’re ‘walking on eggshells’ around your partner
11. Gaslighting whenever you bring up their behaviour

Love-Bombing: Early in the relationship, the abuser may ‘love-bomb’ the victim with intense affection, lavish gifts, and compliments to create rapid emotional attachment and dependency, only to switch to controlling tactics later.

Where to Get Help

Charities and Organisations

• Women’s Aid: Directory of local services for survivors of domestic abuse.
• Galop: Tailored support for LGBTQ+ victims of abuse. (Helpline: 01823 334244)
• Samaritans: Offers emotional support for anyone struggling with isolation, mental health, or suicidal thoughts. Helpline: 116 123

If you are in immediate danger, always call 999. For additional advice:

• National Domestic Violence Helpline (24 hours): 0808 2000 247
• Action for Children: Guidance on handling controlling behaviours post-separation.
• NSPCC (if you’re worried about a child): 0808 800 5000

Contact HM & Co. Solicitors

At HM & Co. Solicitors, we provide confidential, empathetic, and professional legal advice for survivors of domestic abuse, including those experiencing coercive control. Our domestic abuse and violence solicitors can help you:

• Apply for non-molestation orders or occupation orders
• Navigate child arrangements if your ex-partner is abusive
• Seek safe, legal solutions to protect you and your family

Get in touch:

• Address: 186 Lower Road, Surrey Quays, London SE16 2UN
• Telephone: 02071128180
• Email: info@hmsolicitorsltd.com

If you are experiencing any form of domestic abuse, remember you are not alone. Legal and emotional support is available to help you stay safe, protect your rights, and move forward with confidence.